My Mess is My Message

I've been wanting to write about this for a while now, but have held off because that would mean getting SUPER real and letting my panties show a little bit (as Suzanne Evans might put it)!

I recently realized that everything I'm experiencing in my life is preparing me to work with and impact the lives of other women. I've known for a while that I'm supposed to be working with women, but I didn't understand exactly why or in what capacity. I've really prayed on that so I can understand what God is asking me to do while I'm here. Slowly, it's becoming clear!

Do you ever feel like you’re living two lives?

That’s how I’ve been feeling lately. On the surface, everything is going pretty well. I have to acknowledge that I’m truly blessed. And most days, I give thanks for those blessings - I have a fun, loving husband that truly is my best friend and beautiful baby boy that makes me laugh every day. I have security in the roof over my head and the unconditional love of two dogs that have been there through every phase of the last ten years of my life. I find comfort and peace in all of that.

Now, I’m about to get super real. Ready?

Even though I have what others might long for, I still have this feeling of misalignment, feelings of stress and overwhelm, feelings of inadequacy and even failure at times.  I’ve been giving a lot of thought to all of this over the last couple months. I’ve been feeling guilty for having these feelings. How could I feel this way when there’s so much to be grateful for? What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just be happy and satisfied with what I’ve been given? Why do I long for more?

Let me dig into this a bit. When I was pregnant with Brady, I was nervous about how my life was going to change. Part of me was looking forward to staying home with him, but the other part of me knew that I didn’t know how to not work. I’ve been working and collecting a paycheck since I was fourteen years old. I’ve learned that losing that paycheck makes me feel like I’ve lost some control and my voice when it comes to spending. A lot of my identity has been wrapped up in the work that I was doing. Intellectually, I know that’s not true, but what a tough mindset to break. I came to realize it was time to get used to a new role that doesn’t come with a paycheck to acknowledge my value. Now that’s an adjustment!

Throughout this time at home with Brady, learning how to be a mom and manage a household, I’ve come to recognize that I’m not very good at this. I get stressed over things that shouldn’t matter a whole lot, like never ending mounds of laundry, constant dishes in the sink or left around the house waiting to go into the dishwasher, little stacks of miscellaneous clutter that hasn’t found a suitable home, and planning nutritious meals. I feel like I’m failing at managing and maintaining all of these things, one because I loathe these tasks that are never-ending and two because I might have undiagnosed A.D.D which makes it difficult for me to complete a task before getting caught up in another one.

Don’t get me wrong, I love being a mom to Brady. I’m so grateful to have the opportunity to watch and be a part of every phase of his growth at this point. I know that I’m a good mom to him. He knows that he is loved. He is smiling and happy, rarely fussy. He is well fed, kept clean, entertained and engaged. I know that I’m not depriving him of anything. I can feel good about that – but, I know that I’m depriving his mom of things that stimulate her and remind her of her gifts and value.

At the end of the day, many times I’m left feeling like an inadequate, sloppy housewife. I wonder when it’s my turn to do something that is stimulating and recharges my battery a little bit. Here’s an example, often times I wish I had more time to put toward the Naperville Moms Network. I’m really passionate about developing this space for women in our community. I am contributing here, but not at the level I believe I should be. I don’t know how to ignore this calling, nor do I want to.

My husband tries to tell me that if I would just find contentment in being Brady’s mom and his wife, I would be a lot less stressed, juggling less and find happiness. Sadly, I know that this simply isn’t true. I wasn’t built or wired to just be Brady’s mom and his wife. I have a purpose beyond those roles and while I’m thankful for those roles and enjoy many aspects of them, they don’t complete or define me.

I have been conflicted with determining how to be what’s expected of me and also step into the person that I’m called to be. I fully believe that there’s a way to be the wife and mom I want to be and also be the individual I was put on this earth to be. There has got to be a way to fulfill my purpose beyond my role as mom and still be a great mom.

So, I haven’t cracked the code, but when I do, my big mess will be my message to other women walking in my shoes. Surely, I’m not the only one!

In Good Company - Suzanne Evans

Are you in good company?

I've been on ah-ha moment overload all weekend! I went to see Suzanne Evans live on the Help More People Tour in St. Louis. I have to say, she completely blew me away! WAY beyond my expectations (and I thought she would totally rock, but WOW)!

I'm sure I'll be discussing a lot of ah-ha moments moving forward, but one of the things I realized is how important it is to surround yourself with like minded people. And not just like minded people, but people of greatness; people that have achieved and accomplished thing things in life you're bound and determined to achieve.



(I have to say, I started this post on November 1st when I returned home from St. Louis and obviously, I was interrupted! Five month olds can do that pretty easily!)

Back to the point. I've been meeting some really incredible people lately; people that inspire me, challenge me, motivate me, and maybe a few that somewhat intimidate me. All of those things are good! I want to be more, do more.

Now that it has been a few weeks after seeing Suzanne, I have a little different perspective on my experience there. Honestly, it was bitter-sweet. I was excited to mingle among high achievers, doers; people that make a huge impact in the lives of others. I was inspired and encouraged to see their transformations in their business make-overs.

I'm realizing I should side-step here. Suzanne Evans works with "helpingpreneurs" (entrepreneurs that are in the business of helping others) to effectively market and monetize their passions. She's extremely gifted with what she does!

Anyway, back to what I was saying. I'm watching all of this transformation in the room throughout the day. I'm seeing people cry because the light bulb finally went off and they know exactly what they need to do moving forward in their business. It was exciting!

Toward the end of the day, I started to have a little bit of a meltdown. How embarrassing. I was quietly tearing up in the front row as I watched the last business make-over. It hit me - I'm living at about five percent of my potential...if that. Holy crap! What am I doing? I've been allowing fear to hold me back for some time now. I've been making excuse after excuse to not take action. I started to feel angry, frustrated. Before long, I was just plain PISSED!

I saw people with established businesses; people that have already taken that leap of faith and put themselves out there. I've seen their websites. I receive the newsletters of some of them. It was pretty amazing to see this other side; to see their stumbling blocks, their fears and hang ups. It was nice to see that I'm not the only one with fears, insecurities, excuses holding me back. Although everyone was at different stages in their journey of entrepreneurship, we could all relate to the emotions that come with putting ourselves out there.

I think we all realized that we now have each other to learn from, to gain support from and even business partnerships and alignments.

What I'm learning is that when you have a nudge to do something in your life; if you're truly passionate about something; take that leap of faith and go for it!

Make sure you're in good company. Find a way to minimize or eliminate the nay-sayers in your world. Attach yourself to people that build you up, encourage you, teach and mentor you. Align with people that have common interests, values, beliefs and motivations in life. It's amazing how quickly your life can change and you just begin to start finding ways to make it all happen!