Brady's First Birthday

I had been dreading and stressing out over my son's first birthday for several months. Why is it that us first time moms feel the need to get all worked up about planning the perfect birthday for our lil' one when they are never going to remember it anyway?

I can't tell you how many people reminded me of that fact over the last several months. I've experienced lot's of eye rolling and people telling me that I was being completely ridiculous to stress out over a one year old's birthday party.

But I wanted something wonderful to look back on. I suppose I was looking to build a memory for our family more so than for Brady since he won't remember it anyway. There's always pictures and videos for his viewing pleasure in the future. And the stories we tell him when he asks about it later. What kid later wants to hear "Oh, it was just an ordinary day. We knew you wouldn't remember it, so we didn't really do anything special."  Not something I want to tell my son!

First, I was thinking of planning a fun day at a local park. We could rent a covered picnic pavilion, grill out, have a few fun games for adults and children of all ages. Who wouldn't enjoy an afternoon at the park with good friends and family? Well, that plan backfired when all of the parks I was interested in were already reserved.

My bubble was burst. I couldn't think of another plan that felt right. I started thinking up this plan when Brady was nine months old, so the fact that it wasn't going to work out just like I had imagined was frustrating. I kept thinking that something would come available, someone would have a great suggestion that fit exactly what I was looking for. I asked everyone I knew for advice on locations and alternatives, but nothing felt quite right. Before I knew it, Brady's birthday was only a few weeks away. I had all of the grandparents flying into town with no party planned!

Panic mode set in about one month out, then intensified two weeks out when I STILL didn't have a confirmed plan. Nothing was really coming together and everything I tried fell through. I felt like I was a bad mom and I was failing miserably at pulling something together. Finally, I decided to take a friend's advice and just have something small at the house for the immediate family.

At first, I was thinking it was a lame effort on my part, but it turned out to be the perfect scenario for Brady's first birthday! I was so worried about our house being too small to accommodate everyone, but thankfully our deck was just the spot for a family dinner. The weather held out so we could relax and enjoy each other's company without outside interruptions. Brady ended up diving into his cake early (while we were all still eating dinner) because he was fading fast and needed to go to bed. Had we been out anywhere else, we couldn't have put him to bed and continued our celebration. It would have been nice to have some of our friends there to celebrate with us, but we only see our families a couple times a year, so this gave us an opportunity to share stories and reflect on good times.


Everything about Brady's birthday weekend was about family spending time together and celebrating Brady's life.

What I realized is that while I wasted all of that time worrying about planning the perfect party, the only thing that mattered was having meaningful time together as a family. We now all share a memory that will last a lifetime. Thankfully, we have some great stories to tell Brady when he's older along with some great pictures and videos! What more could a mom ask for?

My Mess is My Message

I've been wanting to write about this for a while now, but have held off because that would mean getting SUPER real and letting my panties show a little bit (as Suzanne Evans might put it)!

I recently realized that everything I'm experiencing in my life is preparing me to work with and impact the lives of other women. I've known for a while that I'm supposed to be working with women, but I didn't understand exactly why or in what capacity. I've really prayed on that so I can understand what God is asking me to do while I'm here. Slowly, it's becoming clear!

Do you ever feel like you’re living two lives?

That’s how I’ve been feeling lately. On the surface, everything is going pretty well. I have to acknowledge that I’m truly blessed. And most days, I give thanks for those blessings - I have a fun, loving husband that truly is my best friend and beautiful baby boy that makes me laugh every day. I have security in the roof over my head and the unconditional love of two dogs that have been there through every phase of the last ten years of my life. I find comfort and peace in all of that.

Now, I’m about to get super real. Ready?

Even though I have what others might long for, I still have this feeling of misalignment, feelings of stress and overwhelm, feelings of inadequacy and even failure at times.  I’ve been giving a lot of thought to all of this over the last couple months. I’ve been feeling guilty for having these feelings. How could I feel this way when there’s so much to be grateful for? What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just be happy and satisfied with what I’ve been given? Why do I long for more?

Let me dig into this a bit. When I was pregnant with Brady, I was nervous about how my life was going to change. Part of me was looking forward to staying home with him, but the other part of me knew that I didn’t know how to not work. I’ve been working and collecting a paycheck since I was fourteen years old. I’ve learned that losing that paycheck makes me feel like I’ve lost some control and my voice when it comes to spending. A lot of my identity has been wrapped up in the work that I was doing. Intellectually, I know that’s not true, but what a tough mindset to break. I came to realize it was time to get used to a new role that doesn’t come with a paycheck to acknowledge my value. Now that’s an adjustment!

Throughout this time at home with Brady, learning how to be a mom and manage a household, I’ve come to recognize that I’m not very good at this. I get stressed over things that shouldn’t matter a whole lot, like never ending mounds of laundry, constant dishes in the sink or left around the house waiting to go into the dishwasher, little stacks of miscellaneous clutter that hasn’t found a suitable home, and planning nutritious meals. I feel like I’m failing at managing and maintaining all of these things, one because I loathe these tasks that are never-ending and two because I might have undiagnosed A.D.D which makes it difficult for me to complete a task before getting caught up in another one.

Don’t get me wrong, I love being a mom to Brady. I’m so grateful to have the opportunity to watch and be a part of every phase of his growth at this point. I know that I’m a good mom to him. He knows that he is loved. He is smiling and happy, rarely fussy. He is well fed, kept clean, entertained and engaged. I know that I’m not depriving him of anything. I can feel good about that – but, I know that I’m depriving his mom of things that stimulate her and remind her of her gifts and value.

At the end of the day, many times I’m left feeling like an inadequate, sloppy housewife. I wonder when it’s my turn to do something that is stimulating and recharges my battery a little bit. Here’s an example, often times I wish I had more time to put toward the Naperville Moms Network. I’m really passionate about developing this space for women in our community. I am contributing here, but not at the level I believe I should be. I don’t know how to ignore this calling, nor do I want to.

My husband tries to tell me that if I would just find contentment in being Brady’s mom and his wife, I would be a lot less stressed, juggling less and find happiness. Sadly, I know that this simply isn’t true. I wasn’t built or wired to just be Brady’s mom and his wife. I have a purpose beyond those roles and while I’m thankful for those roles and enjoy many aspects of them, they don’t complete or define me.

I have been conflicted with determining how to be what’s expected of me and also step into the person that I’m called to be. I fully believe that there’s a way to be the wife and mom I want to be and also be the individual I was put on this earth to be. There has got to be a way to fulfill my purpose beyond my role as mom and still be a great mom.

So, I haven’t cracked the code, but when I do, my big mess will be my message to other women walking in my shoes. Surely, I’m not the only one!

One Year Ago...

Isn't it amazing how much happens AND changes in just a year?

One year ago, my husband and I had been married exactly four months. We were settling into married life and making plans for our future. I can remember coming home from our honeymoon to Jamaica and discussing how we would love to start saving so that we could finally travel. We had been living on such a tight budget saving for our wedding over the last 16 months.

We were so excited at the thought of going to Greece in the summer of 2009. My husband, Chris is in sales and was aligned really well to win the President's Club seven day cruise. He watched the preview video more times than he would probably like to admit. It was his motivation to continue to work hard and go the extra mile.

One year ago, I can remember being really stressed out at work. I was working for our local Chamber of Commerce. Our director of events was out on emergency medical leave and I was asked to step in without any training or knowledge transfer of her role. This Chamber had roughly 6 - 8 big events a month! I knew I was in for a ride.

I can remember feeling really nervous at the first event I was running. We probably had a little over 100 people there. I couldn't eat (which is rarely a problem for me). I even got sick a couple times during the breakfast, which was really out of character for me. Was I getting the flu or something?

A few days later, I went to see my colleague after she was released from the hospital. We ordered pizza for lunch. I love pizza! On the way back to the office, I got sick again walking down the stairs in the parking garage. I thought, "What the heck is going on with me?"

I knew I was really stressed and felt the pressure. I wasn't sleeping very well. My anxiety was pretty high, but man, I've never been the type to get nauseated over this kind of stress.

I'll never forget, my co-worker/friend, Lisa said, "Kelli, you're pregnant. I suggest you stop by Walgreens on your way home tonight to confirm it and get yourself in to the OBGYN soon!" My mouth dropped. I thought she was completely crazy. No way was I pregnant! I have to admit though she had my wheels spinning a little bit. The vomiting was kind of strange to explain.

I took her advice and stopped by Walgreens. I remember joking to Chris that night over dinner, "Wouldn't it be crazy if we were pregnant right now?! That would be crazy!" I remember him saying.
"What makes you say that? Why would you bring that up? Are you thinking you're pregnant?"

"Slow down Killer," I thought! I told him that Lisa told me I was pregnant today and we both kind of just laughed it off. We totally let it go...until the next morning.

I got up around 6:00 a.m. to get in the shower for work. It was Tuesday, October 7, 2008. I remember thinking, "Oh, I have a pregnancy test under the sink. Let's just go ahead and rule that out." Without really thinking about what I was about to do, I peed on the stick.

It pretty much went down like this: "Umm, wait, that's a plus symbol! I'm pretty sure that means positive. Holy crap! Really? Wait...seriously? Uhh, what does this mean? (Counting on my fingers) May or June? Oh no, Greece. He's not going to like that. Okay, just get in the shower, wake up a bit and think about what this means. Well, at least I know I can get pregnant. Doctors told me I might have a tough time. Hmmm, WOW! Well, when my sister, Emily told me she was pregnant in April, I cried unexplainably. I think I was unknowingly jealous of her, so that must mean I want this. Every child is a blessing! This is our little miracle, right?! I guess this is just God's plan. Wow! Oh, crap. Did I shampoo yet?"

I remember getting out of the shower and deciding that I couldn't go through the day without telling Chris. I'm just not the type of person to carry that kind of news around all day at work and pretend everything is normal. I knew I needed to tell him right away, get his reaction and then, of course, tell my parents!

"Hey, babe! I need you to wake up." Of course, Chris didn't need to get up for another hour, but I told him we needed to talk.

"Now? What could possibly be so important right now? Let's talk later."

I told him that he better wake up because I needed to know how he would feel about being a daddy!

I've never seen the covers thrown so fast! He sat right up and looked at me with big eyes, then squinted and laid back down. "Why would you say that? You're messing with me. Nice try!" I said, well actually, I just peed on a stick, so no; I'm not messing with you. The stick says we're having a baby. Um, how do you feel about being a daddy?"

"Holy crap! Shut up! No way! Oh my God! ...Wait...let me see that stick. Are you sure? (Grinning)"

"No, seriously, I just peed on the stick right before my shower. It's positive. We're definitely having a baby. It turned positive right away."

"Wow! Let me see it. Oh, and grab the directions. Did you do it right? Maybe you did it wrong. You should go to the doctor and get tested. This is crazy! Wow, I thought it was going to be really hard to get pregnant. Geez, maybe this is why you've been feeling so awful. Holy crap, really? We're having a baby? So, when would we be having the baby? (Counting on fingers) Oh! Wow! So, like May or June. Our Greece trip is planned for beginning of July. Hmmmmmm. Wow, babe! We're having a baby!"

Two days later, we went to the OBGYN and saw our little pea size baby. It was amazing! And what's funny is that Chris asked the OB if she tested me again since I used one of those tests from Walgreens. Of course, she laughed. She decided that the ultrasound was necessary not only to determine a due date (since we weren't exactly planning and tracking for a pregnancy), but to also show Chris there is actually a little life growing inside of me. If you could have been a fly on the wall at that appointment, you would have been peeing your pants!

When we left the office, Chris decided it was actually real and we should probably go ahead and announce the great news to his family as well. Our lives AND our plans have been forever changed.

I believe that EVERYTHING happens for a reason. Whether or not we have an understanding of the meaning and the long term impact, I'm confident in knowing that His plans are always a blessing.

Today, I look at my 4 month old son and smile with tears in my eyes. He's perfect. He is a true miracle, a blessing.

We may not have gone to Greece over the summer, or be saving for future travel opportunities, but I wouldn't trade my precious little family for anything in the world. I'm so grateful and blessed for the gift of our precious son, Brady!