Fear Factor

I have to be honest, FEAR is still a factor for me! Cliches aside, I really am facing my fears HEAD ON day to day now. I feel like I'm definitely being tested, but at the same time, blessed. I know that might sound weird.

Opportunities are coming my way beyond what I could have dreamt for myself. I think this is probably the second time HUGE opportunities have come my way when I've least expected it. We're talking life changing!

The first time around was when my (now) husband walked into my life. We met on the beach in Florida on a day that neither one of us planned to go to the beach. Each of us, for our own reasons, tried to talk our way out of going. All I know is that I'm so thankful that fate convinced us both to show up that day and come together in the ocean. I know...who meets their future spouse IN the ocean?! Call me cheesy, but I do believe in fate, destiny and most definitely a higher power. No question! I look back now (especially now that my 8 week old son is here) and am completely blown away at where my life has taken me. We have a little wall hanging (that he would probably rather not have posted in our kitchen) that says, "We may not have it all together, but together we have it all." That sums it up PERFECTLY. I know we'll look back on our modest beginnings with thanks and the fondest of memories.

And now... I've been praying and asking for answers about how I'm supposed be contributing outside of my roles as wife and mother. I've been feeling this strong tug. It's difficult to explain. I can pin point the actual day everything started to feel different; March 6, 2009. It may have actually started the day before, but SUNK in on the 6th. Either way, I had this overwhelming sense that everything was shifting.

For one thing, I walked away from my job, which meant that I was walking away from a paycheck in the midst of one of history's biggest economic crashes. I knew that my life was about to change in a huge way...and not just because I was going to be giving birth in a couple months to our first child; even bigger than that! I've had this unexplained excitement and sense of optimism...even with all the fears I've always had. It isn't like they just lifted. As a matter of fact, I still have them.

I guess I would say that my mindset is changing. I realize now that life is incredibly short. We have no idea how much time we have to live the life we're MEANT to live. If I allow fear to hold me back, I will have failed. I will have wasted my days on the insignificant and missed out on my true purpose. I will have settled on mediocrity. I will end up leaving this earth with regret and unfulfilled destiny.

We hear about that all the time...people on their death beds with regret. Quotes about living like we're dying. It's not a new concept by any means, BUT my gut is really feeling it now. I'm uncomfortable. I GET IT! I HAVE to overcome these fears and pursue what I'm meant to do here on this earth.

I'm learning. It's becoming more and more clear, but one day at a time. I can't "fix" it all and create it all in a day. It's all about perspective. I'm feeling it though! Stay tuned!

If We Won the Lottery...

Last night, my hubby and I were discussing what we would do if we won the $27 million currently sitting in the Mega Millions pot. He said to me, "it's okay to dream up a plan, I actually played this week!" I remember thinking...we should dare to dream either way. Maybe it's completely naive of me, but I just feel that if you don't start dreaming BIG for your life, then the chances of BIG things happening are slim to none.

We talked about purchasing homes in multiple cities across the US. Somewhere on the coast of FL (my family is in Gainesville), Cape Cod (his family is in Norwell just outside of Boston), downtown Chicago (he loves the Cubs), San Diego (I've heard great things, plus, some of my favorite tweeps seem to reside there), and lastly, somewhere cool in Colorado (I first knew I was in love when we took a ski trip to Vail!)

Ultimately, the conversation wasn't about all of the material possessions we would purchase, but more about what we would do with our time. Don't get me wrong, a few nice things wouldn't be such a bad thing, but really and truly, we both talked about how we would love to have the freedom and flexibility to travel and experience more as well as spend more time with the ones we love.

I started dreaming up the non-profits I would like to start and small businesses too. Winning would give me the capital to make those things happen.

I began to realize something... If I believe in something enough and want something bad enough, God will help me find a way to make it happen. I truly believe that. More than anything, I want to help people. I want to impact the quality of others lives. That's something that literally keeps me up EVERY night more and more as time passes. I'm filled with ideas, but how do I know what the right one is? How do I know if any of them are part of my destiny or if that's yet to be discovered? How do I know what my "calling" or purpose truly is? I absolutely believe I have one, but for me, knowing with certainty is what plagues me.

Again, cobwebs...I feel like I'm all over the place with ideas, excitement, anticipation, uncertainty, fear, enthusiasm... so many overlapping emotions. At this point, I'm going to try to live in the moment and take notice of "signs" that can steer me in the right direction. It's only a matter of time before I know what direction to take things. My focus is to determine how I can best impact the lives of others and earn some income so that I can take care of my family too. Stay tuned!

Speaking of Cobwebs...

I'm not sure if it's that I'm completely sleep deprived from new mommyhood or if I have ADD, but I'm having a heck of a time focusing and following through on anything these days. My mind seems to be running a million miles a minute and I rarely complete a task before starting another.

Earlier today, I left the water in the kitchen running so it could get hot (I was starting to clean bottles) while I went to change Brady's diaper, then I noticed the hamper of overflowing laundry as I walked by and decided I should go ahead and put a dent in it, so I started the washer and realized that I still had the water in the kitchen running, so I ran into the kitchen to get the bottles started. Then I realized that the washer was going to be full before I could get the clothes in it. Ugghh! Why does it seem to be so hard to complete one task at a time? I feel like I'm chasing my tail.

Don't even get me started on PROCRASTINATION! I've always wanted to start my own business. What better time than now to start one given that I have an infant to tend to. What am I thinking?! I know my timing isn't the best given the fact that I'm consumed in mommy duties around the clock. It would be a lot easier if we had family in town to tag team with, but that's not the case for us. All I know is that my wheels are constantly spinning. My brainstorming keeps me up at night. As a matter of fact, I seem to have my best ideas and the most clarity at night (so I believe in the moment), yet I don't force myself out of bed to write them down because "I should be sleeping." I tell myself that I'm going to write everything out in the morning so I have something to build on. Does it ever happen? NO! Cobwebs in the morning. I can't even think straight or remember half of what was rambling through my mind.

Enough is enough... When I have a solid idea, I'm going to get my butt out of bed and write it out. Let's see if it all makes sense in the morning!

Taking the first step...

I'm not exactly sure why it has taken me so long to take the plunge and begin blogging. I guess I've been fearful of embarrassing myself by looking or sounding stupid. I've caught myself thinking "I'm not interesting enough" or "who cares what I have to say." Whether any of that is true or not, I've decided that I will be blogging for me rather than for others (it's less scary that way)...and if others happen to relate or benefit by what I have to say, then GREAT, but what I've come to realize is that writing is very therapeutic for me. It helps clear the cobwebs.

I think back to my high school days when I used to keep a journal under my bed. I wrote in it almost every day. Some days, I went to it more than once to clear my head and work through my thoughts. Reflecting back on my writing helped me make decisions and know with confidence that I was moving in the right direction. I look back on those years and realize that was probably when I had the strongest sense of self, a deeper spiritual connection and a sense of overall balance.

I'm ready to claim my life and stop living in fear. Life is too short hold back any longer, so here we go!